So pissed off

 Today I am cross and pissed off and grumpy with the poor children although i am not sure of the reason. I slept ok although was late to bed due to Remy and his usual anxious antics but then I got to sleep and no death-wake at 2am (which I would always have when I've had a drink) and in fact slept in until nearly 8. But then I got a headache - which felt unfair on a so called 'Sober Sunday' without a hangover - and people at church pissed me off asking nonstop about the drama at the diocese, and then I was asked to go for Sunday lunch at the Lewises but I had to say no. I couldn't because H has a friend round (Andre and Louis away on rugby tour) but I also couldn't because of the booze factor, I wouldn't be able to withstand, and now I just feel annoyed that I can't have roast chicken and lots of dry white wine and chat with friends for several hours. And I keep scrolling on Insta for some sober inspiration and they keep showing pics of sunsets over mountains and pink horizons, saying this what sobriety is like, but it's not today because today it is pissing it down, it is actually sheeting it down (still Storm Bert) and blowing a gale, and the sky is grey not pink, and I am at home with my kid clearing up glitter for the zillionth time this weekend since she decided it was a good idea to get out the 'potions kit'. And I still have a headache. And I don't know if this mood is some kind of withdrawal - I doubt it because I have never had that, not properly, not more than a hangover, not the shakes or anything like that, and when I write that I think I am exaggerating the problem and there has never been a rock bottom and perhaps I need to hit that first to find sufficient resolve. 

But who wants to get to rock bottom? Why I am I wishing for rock bottom like some kind of masochist. But that is the wrong question, as WATL points out:

No it's not good enough.

No I am not free.

But I can be.

And another useful point from chapter 2. I don't need to think about this being forever. I can't think about forever. All the roast chicken and white wine I won't have, all the occasions I will miss, I can't imagine being sober at Christmas let alone for ever. Or what about the girls' ski weekend in March? WTF am I going to do?  But I can't think about then, all I can think about is this moment. I am sober now and I am not drinking today. This is the same way I quit smoking in my twenties. Just a day at a time. I am not smoking today, but I can tomorrow if I want. And then the days joined together into weeks and then months and you realise you feel better and you have achieved something meaningful and it can't hurt to keep going. So maybe that's how it will be. Thank God it's Sunday now and I can go into the week - I find the week much easier than the weekend, and yet how ridiculous is that - it's like i am saving up a hangover, feeling like shit, for the weekend! So irrational. Oh to be able to have just one glass of wine like a normal person, like a moderate person, but oh no it's me and my old mental all-or-nothing brain again... so pissed off.